a moment of stress in which a person breaks down or a situation becomes critical

wikipedia

Though I haven’t yet reached that “exact” situation, my condition right now, for me, is unbearable.

Almost nobody knew about my current (emotional) situation (except partly my wife). And by making this post, I am making my situation known (if they will be reading this blog).

The Job

Yup, this is one of the main reasons of my “dilemma”. Ever since I moved (or forcibly moved) to sales, my urge to work diminished. I hate sales. When I was transferred, I told myself and some colleagues that my days are numbered. Fortunately, I was able to endure for more than a year (thanks to the help of my managers). However, lately, the papers came flowing. My Father-in-law died and my wife got sick and I wasn’t able to come to work for almost half a month September and October. And that totally pulled down my performance. I was given papers for attendance and performance (wherein attendance is already part of performance – double jeopardy for me).

I was able to get a perfect attendance last month (November). However, my stats still failed. I was required to get 100% attainment (meat ALL my goals). That was like from bottom you have to be the no. 1 agent (since only a VERY few reaches 100%.

And since I wasn’t able to meet the goal (but I moved from the bottom quartile up to the third quartile) I have two weeks to meet the goals we have for this month (divided for the two weeks of course). Unfortunately, I was absent since last Wednesday up till Tuesday. So there is no chance for me to meet the goals. My only hope is if they will lower the goals for last month and my stats would move up the upper 50%. Honestly, I doubt it. Unfortunately, my boss seems to have no plans on salvaging me.

So what’s causing me to break? Well, I have a high chance of losing my job. We’re currently renting a house, paying for utilities (electricity, water, phone and internet) and my wife is also studying (taking up units in education) and it’s close to Christmas.

I was thinking that if I lose my job, I’ll jumpstart the business I want, a computer shop at my home place. I already made some calculations. And based on the current trend there (only 2 shops currently existing on a large community), the business is still feasible. Of course there will be extra services like desktop publishing, computer repair, school supplies and some other perks.

I am planning this for a long time already, keeping an eye on current business flow, equipment prices. The only thing I don’t have is capital.

I tried asking someone if I could borrow/loan money from them. Unfortunately, their funds are all in their business also. I am thinking of having at least 60,000 pesos ($1500) to jump start that business. It is small. But as for my initial computations, that would be enough (no need to pay for rent, this will be in our house; no need to pay for technicians, I can do that; no need to pay for carpentry, my father’s a carpenter). So basically, all I really need to buy are the computers (including networking stuff) and tables.

Unfortunately, I don’t have the money to start. I worked in a call center (people expect us to have ‘good salaries’. Unfortunately, we weren’t able to handle our finances properly. Now, I am struck on how irresponsible’ we’ve been with our money. It is hard to admit. But that is the truth. No savings. Nothing. We were able to buy some stuff but not much (we bought a high end printer that can be used for the business; unfortunately, it is a sleeping investment as of now).

Honestly, I am daydreaming that someone would lend me that money I need (extreme daydream that someone would actually ‘give’ me the money. But reality is reality.

Currently, I don’t know what will happen. I just hope that if my superiors will kick me out of the company, they do this after Christmas.

I haven’t yet talked to my wife regarding this. We actually haven’t prayed together for a long time (and I do feel the result). I am planning to discuss the current situation to her ASAP. She already knew a bit, but not how ‘severe’ the situation is.

I am asking for your prayers. We need strength. I am baffled. My mind is spinning and my heart is pounding. Sometimes, I just want to bang my head on the wall. But I know this will end. However, I am on the breaking point and I need some support.

May God’s will be done.